Courting

Most of my family for generations came from Southeastern Kentucky. Part of the Appalachian Mountain chain runs through that area of Kentucky. I don’t know how the courtships of my grandparents and further back came about, but I imagine that proximity had a lot to do with it. Back in the day when travel was by foot, mule, or horse, and that travel involved traversing steep hills and mountains proximity was probably a huge factor in who was considered courting material.

It seems very likely that this was indeed the case for my paternal grandparents. In 1920, my paternal Grandpa Dave Smith lived with his family in residence number 90 on Sextons Creek Road; and paternal Grandma Nancy Middleton lived with her parents in residence number 92 on that same road. Being neighbors, the two likely had many interactions. Somewhere along the way, this led to courtship for on October 30, 1921, the two married. They would have had a loving relationship for over 66 years. Grandpa Dave died in 1978 and Grandma Nancy would die six years later in 1984.

                                                               

                                                   Young Grandma Nancy Middleton Smith 

                                         

 

                                                     

                                                              Young Grandpa David Smith

 

                                                           Grandma and Grandpa Smith
 

Every time I saw Grandma before she died, she would ask me, “Are you sparking yet?” That was Grandma-speak for courting or dating. I wish that I had thought to ask about when she began sparking and how she and Grandpa had gotten to know each other. Unfortunately, I didn’t know that one day I would have the questions that I have today. I was oblivious to the opportunities that I was wasting.

Now my maternal grandparents also lived in close proximity to each other. Today, if a person were to drive from where Grandpa Boyd Nolen lived with his family on Furnace Branch to where Grandma Rachel Allen grew up with her family on Teges Creek, it would take about fourteen minutes to drive the 8.2 miles. Of course, riding a mule or walking it would take longer, but you didn’t need a road for walking or riding a mule. You could ride over the ridge. It may have been less than the 8.2 miles it would take by road, but still would have taken longer by foot or mule. Still, at a time when travel was often by foot or mule that would have likely been considered a walk in the park.

Grandpa Boyd and Grandma Rachel must have met somewhere along the way as they struck up a courtship and wed in Oct of 1940. They would eventually live in Rachel’s home place where she and her siblings had grown up. Rachel bore nine children in her ten years of marriage to Boyd. Boyd and Rachel would remain married until Grandma Rachel’s death in 1950.

                                                               

     

                                                Grandpa Boyd and Grandma Rachel Allen Nolen                                       

                                                               

                                             

 When Rachel died, Grandpa Boyd tried to keep the family together, but he just could not do it. My mother Loretta and her baby brother Johnnie went to live with the family of Rachel’s sister Alta, who had gone to Dayton, Ohio for work. Alta had met her husband at work there in Dayton and had started her own family. Grandpa Boyd lived on until 1975.

 

                                               Alta Allen Cantrell and Olen "Bug" Cantrell

 

                                                 Alta Allen Cantrell and Olen "Bug" Cantrell

Now, my own parents, Donald and Loretta Nolen Smith, both spent their childhoods, living about seven miles away from each other in Kentucky. However, they would not meet until both lived in Dayton, Ohio.

Maternal Grandma Rachel’s brother John and their neighbor Robert were good friends in Kentucky. They ran all over the Kentucky hills of Clay County, Owsley County, and Lord only knows where else. Now Loretta’s Uncle John met Don’s sister Hortense in his ramblings with Robert. John likely met her at the church there on Anglin Branch. The church was likely the meeting place for several of the parties involved in courtships in my family.

 

                                                 Hortense Smith Allen and John Allen

So Great Uncle John and my Aunt Hortense ended up courting and marrying. They moved to Dayton, Ohio where Uncle John found work in the auto industry. Loretta had lived with her Aunt Alta’s family from soon after her own mother’s death. Alta and John were siblings and their eventual homes would back up to each other.

My dad would help his brother-in-law John to build his home and was very often there at John’s place. Now, John was my mom’s uncle, and she lived very near to him. It was natural for her to walk a few minutes to visit her uncle.

Now, Mom and Dad do not exactly remember how they met but I imagine that they very likely met while Mom was visiting her Uncle John and Dad was there helping John to build his new home. Just a short distance separated Alta’s home, where Loretta lived, from John’s home place. I imagine that it was rather exciting for Loretta to see the progress on her uncle and aunt’s home. I imagine that perhaps seeing her Uncle John’s handsome brother-in-law there helping might have added a bit to the excitement as well.

 

                                                   Young Donald and Loretta Nolen Smith

Well, Mom was a beautiful young girl and Dad was a handsome young man. They were, and still are very fine people, and they were often in each other’s presence. It is not difficult to see why they ended up courting. They did end up courting, marrying, and this year, they will be able to celebrate their 65th anniversary.

                                                  

                                                          Donald and Loretta Nolen Smith

Now, the courtship of my husband and me is the only one that I can be certain of. After graduation, a few of my classmates and I went to MTSU for college. My friend Carol was dating a friend of my husband’s and one day, she asked if I would like to go out on a blind date with her boyfriend’s friend. She and her boyfriend would go along; so it was a double date and blind on the part of my date and me.

So the first time that I met my future husband we went to a dance club in Nashville. My friend and her date loved to dance but I was not a dancer at all. My future husband and I ended up staying in the car talking. He is from Iran and it was interesting to learn about a culture so very different from my own.

When I was telling him about myself, I told him about my family. My Uncle Bug was dying from cancer. Uncle Bug was like a grandfather to me as he and Aunt Alta had raised my mother after her own mother had died. When telling him about Uncle Bug, I started to cry. So on my first date with my now-husband, I spent much of it crying. He was probably the first person that I had really told about Uncle Bug’s cancer.

After returning home, I thought “Well, that could not have gone much worse. I will probably never hear from him again.”

I was wrong. God bless him; he called me to go out again. That is probably when I realized he was a good man and from that moment I began to fall in love. I would years later overhear him talking to my family telling them that when I cried on that first date, he had begun to fall in love with me. He knew that family is important to me and family is also important to him. So the very thing that I thought would make him run was what attracted him to me.

 

                                          Young April Smith Hajjafar and Mohammad Hajjafar

After he finished his Master’s degree at MTSU, he had to return to Iran. The relationship between our countries wasn’t, and still isn’t the greatest. We continued our courtship long distance until he was finally able to return to the states and we could be married.

So over the generations, courting has changed a bit for my family. Courting, or sparking as my grandma called it, mainly took place between folks in close proximity, likely due to the effort and time required to travel further.

Today, travel is much easier. Folks can drive several miles in just a few minutes. They can even fly from one side of the globe to the other in a few hours. Communication over great distances has improved also. Back in the days of my grandparents, they had to rely on the mail if they couldn’t meet in person. Today, people can video chat on their cellphones, actually seeing the person they are conversing with.

So, technology has allowed sparks to flare over greater distances. A man born in Iran and a woman born in Dayton, Ohio can end up being married for going on 36 years. Grandma Smith would likely be surprised at just how far sparks can fly.

 

                                             

                                                                        Still a'sparkin'!

Branching Out

 

Most of my ancestors came from Scotland, Ireland, and England in ships made of wood that I equate with collections of large toothpicks. Some branched out to leave starvation behind, some left to avoid persecution, some to avoid war, some to own a piece of land to call their own, some for freedoms, and perhaps a few had a sense of wanderlust and longed to see new lands.

Whatever their reasons for leaving, after branching out to North America, many spent time in the Appalachian Mountains. Those mountains were once connected to the mountains of Ireland and the Scottish Highlands. They were all part of the Central Pangaea Mountains of the supercontinent Pangaea during the Triassic period. They would later drift apart but perhaps there is some metaphysical tie that is not as easily rent asunder as mere stone, trees, and earth.

 

 

My ancestors who left Ireland and Scotland for America and traveled to eventually settle in Appalachia must have felt a familiarity and perhaps felt like they had come “home” I have a similar feeling when I travel in the mountains even though I was not born or raised there. I believe that I carry some kind of ancestral memory in my DNA. Just as part of my DNA dictates my eye color, hair color, an affinity for certain illnesses, I believe that this ancestral memory makes the mountains of Appalachia feel like home to me.

 

                                                           The Appalachian Mountains

Now, back in the days when my ancestors were first settling down in the mountains, travel was difficult. My ancestors would have likely traveled by foot, mule, or horse, or by wagons pulled by horses, mules, or oxen. This was a time when the mountains were the frontier and were not yet widely explored. Travel would have been extremely difficult. “Roadways” would have likely been more like crude paths worn through the mountains by game and Native Americans and hunters in search of the game. Also, a few other folks may have made the trip westward before. Trails had to be blazed for the wagons to be able to pass. Mountains had to be crossed over. The few areas that formed passable gaps in the mountains became well known and well-used. The Cumberland Gap was utilized by several of my ancestors in their move westward into Kentucky. Rivers had no convenient bridges and had to be crossed when necessary. I cannot imagine being a parent trying to cross a river safely with small children in tow. My ancestors were definitely made of sterner stuff than I!

Now, as I said, many of these folks made their homes in the Appalachian Mountains, particularly of North Carolina, Virginia, Kentucky, Tennessee… Of course, this was a relatively new and uninhabited territory. There were no modern subdivisions with lovely little homes for sale, but there were resources; trees, stone, coal, water.

Those ancestors used those resources to build their homes, their barns, their smokehouses… They used wood and coal to heat their homes and to cook their meals. They drank clear, sweet water from wells dug near their homes or from springs with water filtered through the mountains. Some of them built mills on the water to use its energy to saw logs, grind grains.

Establishing these home places was no quick, easy task. There were no Home Depots, power tools, even readymade nails... It took hard work, cooperation, patience; but when they were finished, those family members could see the results of their great efforts and feel a sense of pride at being able to provide shelter for their families.

They cleared spaces of trees, vegetation, rocks. They used hand tools or plows pulled by mules to work up the earth. They enriched that earth with manure from their animals until these garden spots could provide produce for large families. This took time and great effort.

So, my ancestors were very invested in their home places. Their blood, sweat, and tears are what caused those home places to rise from narrow hollers nestled between tall mountains. I can imagine that their investment of time and energy would make it difficult for them to decide to pick up, move, and start all over again somewhere else. Of course, some of my ancestors did just that, but many stayed within the same area for their entire lives.

Many of their children married within neighboring families. Sometimes multiple siblings of one family would marry multiple siblings within another. Travel was not easy so proximity often seemed to give Cupid a hand even if some kind of cousin was struck by the arrow. When these children branched out with their own families, many of them branched close to home.

Of course, a few did spread their branches further. I imagine that when 3XG Grandpa Larkin Chandler moved his family to Owsley County, Kentucky sometime before 1844, he likely imagined that he would probably not see his parents again. I can imagine the sorrow his parents must have felt to realize that they might never see him again. It is only a driving distance of 218 miles and would take less than five hours to drive today, but back then, travel was arduous. The distance between Yancey County North Carolina and Owsley County Kentucky must have seemed as great as the distance to the other side of the world.

So, while some children branched out away from parents, many kept their branching near where they were born. Sometimes there would be so many members of a family in a given area that the community would be named after the family. There was an Allen community in Clay County Kentucky where many of my Allen kin lived. Harlan County Kentucky had a community called Smith where many Smith ancestors lived.

Gradually, improvements in travel were being made. The necessity of transporting coal brought the railroad early into Kentucky. By 1854, Louisville, Kentucky was on the nation’s rail system and as the rail system improved, it moved more freight and passengers.

In 1903, Henry Ford would establish the Ford Motor Company in Dearborn, Michigan and automobiles began to be manufactured. Of course, just as it had been difficult to travel by wagon through the wilderness, it would be difficult to drive an automobile where there is no roadway.

The year 1913 would bring news of the construction of the Lincoln Highway, the country’s first transcontinental highway. The highway proved popular and businesses began springing up along it. More roads were being built leading to the increasing use of automobiles.

 

 
Eventually, those roadways would make their way into the mountains of Appalachia. As family members could afford to do so, they would eventually purchase automobiles. Travel could still be difficult as the roadways were not like the paved highways and interstates of today. They were often narrow and hopefully graveled “roads” twisting and turning around the mountains.

Even in the 1960s, I can remember the road that my grandparents lived on in Owsley County Kentucky was just a dirt road. Our visits seemed often to be accompanied by rain which turned that dirt road into a mud slick. My dad is an excellent driver, but even he could not coax our car through that mud. We would have to park the car in a wide spot and walk the rest of the way to Grandma and Grandpa’s house.

So, with the advent of automobiles and roadways to drive them on, the family’s ability to branch out further was greatly enhanced.

Of course, the manufacture of those autos built up auto industries in different areas of the country. Dayton, Ohio was one of those areas. Several family members left Southeastern Kentucky to find work in the auto industry and in other manufacturing jobs.

Improved travel had changed the pattern. Families that used to branch out within the same community were now branching further and further away. More convenient travel made it easier for Cupid’s arrow to strike much further away. Family members that had been courting and marrying folks nearby, sometimes even cousins, could now court folks in another county, another state, even another country.

My 2XG Grandma Matilda Davidson Chandler Stewart, 1863-1942, was born, lived, and died in Clay County Kentucky. She lived near her parents and several of her children stayed close to her. This was not uncommon.

My grandparents lived close to where their parents lived until their parents died and Grandma and Grandpa went to live with family members in other states in their later years. Grandpa and Grandma’s children would branch out in search of work to Ohio, Tennessee, Virginia and one would remain in Kentucky.

Travel and industries growing up around travel have today spread my family’s branches all over the country. We are scattered and have in many cases lost contact. Distance has made distant kinfolk of even close kin. In many cases, I could pass a family member on the street and never realize that they are family.

Fortunately, another technology has enabled distant families to be able to easily stay in contact or even make contact with family members previously unknown. That technology has resulted in the wide availability of computers, the internet, social media, and DNA testing. So, while some improvements have led to branching out, others have allowed those branches to “branch back in”, at least virtually. Knowing family virtually is better than not knowing them at all.